Saying Goodbye
Let’s face it. There is nothing harder than saying goodbye. Whether it is the process of grieving a loved one, moving away from your chosen family or even ending an evening with friends---we all struggle with how to say goodbye. I see our society’s issues with goodbyes throughout my counseling practice. Working with people on why it hurts so much to be ghosted by a date or a friend fighting for time off work after a difficult loss. Sadly, we often avoid the goodbyes in our personal, professional, and even in our therapeutic relationships.
The problem is…. goodbyes are so important.
Research shows us that grief is a long and complex process. Recently the American Psychiatric Association updated our diagnosis manual to include grief as something we can be diagnosed with. It can take days, weeks, and years to move through this process. However, we know from research that saying goodbye, and engaging in our grief, has a better impact on our long-term mental and physical health. We learn how to identify triggers, ways to honor difficult holidays and anniversaries and come to the final stage of grief (finding meaning) with dignity. Grief can be scary to confront but ultimately it is our fear of the end that holds us back.
We all run away from that inevitable end.
Some of this is not only protection for us but protection of others. When you think about the world of personal and emotional connections, we all have those relationships that just ended without a goodbye or a sense of closure. Whether it was a couple of dates that you thought were going somewhere or a friend that you simply lost touch with. Closure is something that all of us long for. A chance to ask….why?
Most of the time the reason is we didn’t want to hurt the other person, or we didn’t want to have a difficult conversation. This is often why people also discontinue counseling as well. For both situations, the truth is that ending a relationship, whether professional or personal, is important to our growth. In the last session with clients, I will often ask for feedback for our work together, setting up ideas of red flags if they need to come back to treatment with me or another counselor, and finally…saying goodbye.
We avoid goodbyes because of the finality of them and sometimes the awkwardness of the situation. It is a lot easier to leave someone unread, to never schedule that next appointment, or to bury ourselves in work to avoid our feelings, but just because it feels easier doesn’t mean that it helps us as a person. I find that clients that are willing to face the difficult questions and challenge themselves with closure progress in therapy far faster than clients who don’t.
If you have something you are holding onto or want to learn ways to say goodbye. Sanctuary Counseling Group can help you learn the power of closure in your life and relationships.
