Discipline and Finding Your Balance as a Parent
Shannon White, M.A., LCMHC, RPT
Many parents come to me feeling frustrated, confused and exhausted after they have tried numerous ways of disciplining their children. Some families with Christian oriented parenting principles ask me “Why aren’t the morals we are teaching our children sinking in? Why don’t they just treat each other kindly, the way we have taught and modeled?” To understand effective discipline, it is first important to understand moral development. Lawrence Kohlberg was a moral philosopher and student of child development. He was director of Harvard's Center for Moral Education. His special area of interest is the moral development of children in regards to how they develop a sense of right, wrong, and justice. The first stage of Kohlberg’s moral development is entitled the Pre-Conventional Stage which asks two major questions: “How do I avoid punishment?” and “What’s in it for me?” This stage lasts from age two until around the age of twelve, depending on a child’s social norms, the consistency of their parenting, and personal maturity. This means that children under the age of twelve are motivated by consequences and rewards. The most effective form of discipline and behavior shaping comes from positive reinforcement. Children should be given rewards, verbal praise and consistent privileges that match their compliance to reinforce the behavior that is desired. I often tell parents to find things they are already giving their children, but to be intentional about letting their children know these are given based on their good behavior. These rewards do not have to be costly or extravagant in nature. Examples of positive reinforcement could be special one on one time spent with the child, allowing them to pick what is for dinner or allowing them to choose the activity or television show the family watches that night. Positive reinforcement should be given on the same day to reinforce the child’s motivation. Consequences are easily derived from positive rewards as they can often be the opposite of a privilege; for example, losing special one on one time, not being allowed to pick their favorite dinner for the week, or not being allowed to pick the family show or activity.
It is also imperative for parents to help children understand the fact that they have the ability to make positive and negative choices in regards to their behavior. When enforcing discipline, parents should assist their children in seeing that they have chosen the consequence based on choosing to misbehave or be defiant. This promotes self confidence and self awareness in children, which aids them in making positive decisions. The ACT model is also important to use for effective discipline. This stands for Acknowledge the Feeling, Communicate the Limit and Teach a more appropriate response. For example, if a child hits his younger sister a parent should first point out physical symptoms of feelings to provide awareness and validation for the child’s emotions. For example “I can see that you are angry; your face is red, your fists are clenched and you just hit your sister.” Communicating the limits allows children to understand why their behavior was wrong and allows them to feel safe due to parental control. “In this house we do not hit each other when we are angry.” Many parents forget the last step, which I find the most important in order for children to understand how to express their frustration in healthy ways. “Next time you feel angry, let’s try taking a deep breath, punching a pillow, or talking to me about what made you angry.” Clear expectations should also be developed and communicated often, but can change as the child becomes more compliant. One way I advise parents to communicate the expectations for their children is through behavior charts. This allows children to visualize and keep track of their daily behavior and rewards.
