On a Tough Day, the Sound of Silence Can be Deafening…
Sandra Kahn, M.A., LCMHC
Some days are tough. The kids are still getting ready for school as you see the bus arriving...the project is due but three contributors are yet to respond to your request for resources...the last drop of coffee available in your house was just claimed by your beloved partner. Frustrations. They demand to be heard, and we strive for a way to endure and continue our day without hurting those we love and care about. Sometimes we silence our frustrated inner parts. Yet still, we leak. We leak our unexpressed anger into our lives. For some it is leaked into health, for others it's "one of my moods". Still others find anger leaking into relationships or something else they treasure or value in life.
You know how this goes. Sometimes we raise our voice when we least wish to. Perhaps when we experience one too many frustrating events in our day, one more than we can fit in our "silencer" part. As a result, we give a rage-filled yell or a harsh glance. Even when the volume of our voice is loud, we may still be silencing the wants, needs, hurts and fears beneath our anger. Anger at times is a protector of vulnerable unexpressed needs and fears.
Whether we default to rage, or aggressive glances or words, or a pattern of silence in an effort to please others having learned somewhere that this is what love is - in a sense, these are all forms of silence. We often silence the voice of our anger - we speak from it, rather than forit. This is what Jay Earley, PhD says in his book "Working with Anger, an Internal Family Systems Therapy".
I greatly appreciate the approach Earley speaks of in regard to Internal Family Systems ("IFS"). IFS is a treatment modality developed by Richard Schwartz. I enjoy working with clients to help them find a loving assertive voice. An assertive voice can be cultivated to learn to express wants and needs.
Often this is exactly the goal anger had for us all along, to be heard and have our needs met. Anger is the skill we learned early in life to get our needs met. Often an outdated and flawed solution to our adult roles as partner, parent, co-worker or congregant. The journey of learning to speak for our anger, rather than from it, is one that takes time and courage, yet can yield peace and life. Do you know your needs and fears? Can you speak for them, or do you speak from them? They may be waiting to be heard.
