The Raw Truth about Abusive Partners in a Relationship

Diana Moscoso, M.A., LCMHCA, NCC

Domestic abuse or intimate partner abuse incorporates many aspects of negative patterns in relationships. Unfortunately, domestic abuse does not discriminate by age, race, gender, faith, class, or sexual orientation. In terms of intimidation, manipulation, and control, the abuse can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, spiritual, or psychological.   

In most domestic abuse cases, the victim is in a significant state of confusion due to the amount and intensity of the abuser’s lies and manipulations making it almost impossible for the victim to understand the complexity of the problem. Here are three important truths about the abuser:

First, during the abuse, the abuser has moments where he or she can be charming, pleasant, and even nice, bringing the victim to a state of hope and wishing that things could be different. In these cases, thinking of the abuser as a human, not an evil monster is the normal course of thought (Bancroft, 2003). Nevertheless, victims must understand that the abuser has a profound, complex, and destructive problem that should not be underestimated. In other words, the abuser can have positive qualities and still have an abuse problem.

Second, the abuser’s behavior happens on a conscious level.  He or she acts deliberately, knows exactly what s/he is doing, and the consequences of his or her actions. Although this statement is true in its totality, it is fair to say that abusers know what they are doing, but not necessarily why they are abusive. According to Bancroft (2003), it is important to highlight that abusers are the product of the things they have seen and have learned from their men or women before them; by adulthood, the abuser has absorbed and learned manipulative and controlling behaviors from key role models, peers, and cultural messages that have imprinted on the abuser’s “automatic” responses.

Third, in cases where alcohol is an issue, the abuse does not go away when the addict recovers. This concept is very important to understand because most victims interpret the abuse as part of their partner’s addiction. Actually, alcohol has no biological connection to abuse or violence because it does not directly make people more aggressive or violent. In other words, drugs and alcohol provide the abuser with an excuse to freely act belligerent and violent. The abuser’s selfish, abusive, and vicious behavior is an ingrained part of his/her personality and these traits will find their way out in a moment of sobriety or intoxication.  

Bancroft, L. (2003). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Berkley Books.