What to Say or Do When a Child Dies
Jay Cobb, MA, LMFT, LCMHC
Any time someone is experiencing grief, we all struggle with how to address it. It is hard to know what to say or do to ease the pain of the person. When someone or a couple loses a pregnancy, infant, or child, the difficulty is compounded. We feel completely inadequate in our endeavors to comfort or console them. Words are not enough or seem trite, worn, or inappropriate. Our actions seem to be “too little, too late” or completely insufficient.
Out of our inadequacy we often, inadvertently, make those mourning feel as if they are responsible for making us feel better. Many people traveling this journey have told me this becomes a big burden for them. They end up feeling like they are responsible for taking care of those that should be caring for them in their brokenness. This includes family, friends and even strangers. Sharing details about your past loss can seem like a way to connect, but all the grieving person needs to know is that you understand. When you begin reliving your own experiences it puts them in the place of contemplating the priorities in the moment. If you have lost a child too, a simple comment about understanding can be a great relief to the parents.
Many of us avoid the topic instead of addressing it all. It is easier to look the other way or go out of one’s way to dodge the discomfort we may experience. If you feel uncomfortable and hurt, you can only imagine what those parents are going through emotionally and psychologically. Your avoidance then makes the person you care about feel ignored, as if they are not worth your attention. Worse yet, the thing they want more than anything is for their child to be acknowledged, and you are telling them that their child is not seen. Parents are looking for ways to cement memories, create new memories, bring closure, and to establish the value of their child. Find ways to help them; buy a toy or keepsake that can be a reminder to the parents.
Words are powerful and can be both good as well as bad. I have heard many comments about how hurtful words have been after the loss of a child. Terms that can be thought of as helpful are devastating to those grieving. Many parents who have lost a pregnancy or infant are told “you can have another” like that is supposed to make things better. Another child will not replace the one lost. Some approach their comfort from a religious perspective with comments like “God needed another angel” or “God had a spot in His garden.” These statements are trite and offer no comfort to the parents who want nothing more than the return of their child at that moment. Be careful of the words you use because words do hurt, regardless of the children’s proverb. Instead offer words of love and reassurance.
Walking the path with someone who has lost a child is a difficult one, but definitely worth the stroll. They are experiencing one of the most, if not the most, devastating of life events. What they need more than anything is to know that you are there and that you see their grief. If nothing else, be present, but do not be afraid to share stories, photos, and memories of your time with the parents or the lost child. Let the parents be the guide though; they will tell you what is right for them at that moment. Soften your words and consider how to reassure them, when in doubt say nothing. It is fine to sit, hold hands, or even pray silently. I encourage people to act instead of waiting to find out what to do, especially since parents do not know what they need. Many do not even eat because they lose their appetite and concept of time. Take food, care for other children, or do mindless chores that they may not even contemplate. Some may even be willing to handle the details of the memorial or funeral service. There are no wrong answers for how you can support those you love. Be creative and let God lead you.
