How Do We Wait When Things Aren’t Great?
Thomas Barker, M.S., LCMHCA, NCC and Madison Miller
Waiting is hard. Does anybody actually enjoy the process of standing in line? Sometimes it feels like we’re searching for ways to distract ourselves before the inevitable conclusion. Waiting can be exceedingly lonely if we’re experiencing it in isolation. And yet, anticipation can be fun. That sense of longing for something you’ve put your hope in. Maybe it’s excitement about getting married. Perhaps you’re really looking forward to the new Spider-Man movie. Or you could just be waiting on your cake to finish baking. Currently, we are in the season of Advent, an often reflective season in which we are challenged to look back on what all has happened the previous year, recognizing the impact those events have left on us and casting our gaze toward the upcoming year. It can be both sobering and joyful.
I believe waiting asks two things from us: lament and patience. Lament is recognition of a disconnect between your vision of hope and the present reality. This isn’t easy or enjoyable, Lament is the process of coming to terms with our disappointments and pain. Looking into the face of our sorrows is emotionally trying and difficult to do. If you want support while lamenting, we’ve got some great therapists here at Sanctuary Counseling Group who would love to support you.
Waiting also requires patience: being aware of the present moment while waiting for a desired outcome. Patience asks us: Who do we see? What is around me? Where am I? How am I doing? The answers to those questions can be scary. Life might not look like how we want it to. Our situation could be unsafe. There could be more trouble brewing on the horizon. It’s okay to cry out: “Am I supposed to be “patient” forever?”
The four gifts of Advent: hope, peace, love and joy, are both gifts and skills. They are skills in that they don’t come without effort. There will be seasons when some or all of these tools are inaccessible to us. This does not reflect a “failure” or “deficiency” on your part. We live in a complex and broken world, and that’s where lament comes in. We are faced with difficulties that make these gifts feel out of reach, like not getting to be with loved ones around the holiday season, or pressure to express happiness around the holidays that we don’t truly feel. Our experiences are varied, and yet we all face seasons where these "gifts" seem absent from our lives.
If you’ll indulge me for a moment, I want to offer a reframe around those four gifts of Advent.
The Hebrew word we equate with Hope refers to expectation, the term evoking the image of a rope. When life feels chaotic and out of control, we can use hope to bind ourselves to the assurances that your storm will end and that you aren’t alone in it.
Consider Peace as an acceptance of reality, recognition that what will be will be, we do not have control over everything. I don't necessarily mean that you have to like it. But, underneath all that, the reality is that you bear the Image of God and deserve to be treated as such.
Love is recognition of the humanness of others. Other people are as beautifully complicated and nuanced as ourselves, for they too bear the Image.
Joy is the ability to notice the presence of God, not a manufactured performance of happiness. It is muscle that needs to be strengthened, in tandem with others. It is okay to need help feeling Joy. It is okay when others may need to hold that Joy for you.
The theme here is that waiting is far easier when done in community. Please don’t isolate yourself while waiting. Or don’t make others feel guilty for not expressing happiness during this time of year. Therapy can help but if communities don’t learn to support those who are struggling both within and outside, then we’re not getting anywhere. We need to look out for one another, and we need patience for ourselves and others in our waiting. As you wait during this Advent season, ask yourself, “Who do I see?” and consider ways you may wait together.
