I Almost Gave Up
Wow, summer is almost here! It is June, the month where most students are preparing for summer activities and parents begin to plan for summer vacations. However, this June our nation will once again mourn the death of small children and adults in Uvalde, Texas. Many are feeling the sting of despair while others fall deeper into depression. You may ask if there is a difference between despair and depression. Maybe there is. Maybe there isn’t. National tragedies can often bring about both. Many despair and ask “why”? Others struggling with depression become more depressed.
In my opinion the nation is in despair, maybe even some individuals are in despair simply feeling complete loss and or hopelessness. Many of us are also experiencing depression and an overwhelming feeling of sadness. Some of the reasons groups or individuals might feel despair and or depression are family conflicts, relationship issues, war, violence of all kinds, political divides, disparity in education, health issues, political and voting issues, racism, sexism, feelings of being persecuted/targeted as in the LGBTQIA community, shifting cultural values, financial burdens and trauma.
Growing up in a small town of Raeford, North Carolina, I felt different. I so desperately wanted to be like other kids. I wanted to be pretty and popular. But I was different. I was a little black girl who dreamt of traveling the world, who loved books and who would rather get lost in fictional stories than to run around with kids my age.
Additionally, my mother was strict and kept tight reins on what we did and who we spent time with. I was different and did not understand why until I later learned that I was an introvert and a nerd. That was really different. I was an introvert desperately wanting to be an extrovert. This desire to be something different than who I was caused me to experience a deep depression through most of my teen years. I later diagnosed myself with some sort of spiritual deficit or some ancestral curse. It was not until my college and post college years that I learned the truth. I suffered from clinical depression resulting In my inability to enjoy most of those years.
Most of the time I felt inadequate, incapable, unloved and unlovable. I suffered childhood trauma and thought life would never change for me. Thank God for a few incredible teenagers and adults who gave me nuggets of hope and affirmed me as a human being- Pastor Helen McAllister, Pastor McKinnon, Faye Tillman, Lamont Adams (brother), Rockfish Grove Free Will Baptist Church, Piney Grove Missionary Baptist Church and New Hope Temple Church of God in Christ. These were some of the people and places that helped me in my journey towards healing and wholeness. I was severely depressed and often in so much despair I thought about ending my life. These people loved and nurtured me to life.
You may ask what helped you heal? How did you get to where you are now? There are no easy answers. For me, it took a village, a community of churches, reading the books (being an introvert and a nerd) searching for answers, wanting to feel better, wanting to thrive and a great physician.
Often in life we need people to walk this journey with us. We need help finding hope. I believe hope is the beginning of healing. Hope is the light that pierces the dark places becoming the compass for our way out/through. Sanctuary Counseling Group strives to walk with people through their journeys, helping them find hope.
