Men In Therapy
By Jay Cobb, MA, LMFT, LCMHC
Our workplaces, churches and homes are full of men struggling to recognize their own wants and needs. Often it is because men misunderstand themselves or are unable to accurately articulate what they want. Society places demands on everyone, but I have learned that men may often be ignored or overlooked when it comes to dealing with emotions and relationships. The definition of masculinity and maleness continues to be challenging, but often clients find themselves stuck in an archaic idea of what or whom they are supposed to be in life. You may have heard the term “toxic masculinity” recently. It is defined as the “adherence to traditional male gender roles.” This impacts the way men see themselves or who they strive to be in society. It can make it difficult to see men as anything but the “Marlboro Man.”
No wonder, there are so many rules thrown at children with a “Y” chromosome at very young ages that it becomes daunting for them to navigate the world effectively. Rules like “boys don’t cry” or “brush it off and suck it up” or “be strong no matter what” establish mandates for young, soon to be men, that they find hard to overcome. Often dads are blamed for inflicting these rules on boys, but moms and even grandparents can be the culprit that sears those doctrines into the psyche of young men. Younger generations seem to have a better grasp on their emotional literacy, but I find in the therapy room there are other issues that stem from the same place for a young man in the 21st century.
Repeatedly men tell me that their girlfriends and wives tell them how they want emotional men, only to criticize them for expressing emotions, especially negative ones. Men learn early in life that emotions are bad, so they begin to withdraw, shut down, act out or lash out. Some become loud and express themselves in anger, because they see anger as the only socially acceptable emotion. Even men that tell me they come from homes where anger was not allowed, have consistently created rules around the acceptance of anger. These behaviors have an impact on their long-term relationships, their work ethic, and the individual man.
Characteristics and traits that are often lamented as positive can quickly become dysfunctional when taken to an extreme. A man that sees himself as being responsible can take that to an extreme where others are judged incompetent or lacking. He pushes those he loves and cares about away. Others want to fix the lives of themselves or others to the point that it diminishes the effort because at some point nothing is good enough. These are cycles that cause men to judge themselves as inadequate or insecure. The emotions they want to ignore and the psychological rules they have written push one another until the man erupts like a geyser with behaviors that are not helpful. Many times, my clients are using coping mechanisms that are harmful to themselves or relationships. They may resort to alcohol, drugs, pornography, spending, or gaming to name a few regularly seen issues.
I find that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy works well to assist with these disruptive cycles. We add in an emotional element so that the client learns how to register the impact of his emotions and then regulate them effectively. Most men like to have an action element, so we throw in a Solution Focused approach which gives them things to do so they can start seeing the components of their cycle in tangible ways. New coping mechanisms are introduced so that the client does not have to deal with the demeaning and demoralizing emotions on the back side of the cycle, shame, regret, resentment, etc.
Many of the men I see are so focused on achieving a certain status or place in life that they cannot breathe. They are reaching for something that does not exist; some mythical compilation of what they think they should be. We discuss their own attributes and qualities that make them unique and wonderfully made. They begin to see themselves from new perspectives as we examine their lives up close and personal, but also with a wider lens. After working to advance there are many setbacks, but clients that do the work and stay consistent begin to see the results. We talk about how they can rip up old tracks or wiring, while laying new lines that allow them to function more comfortably. They can see themselves as whole and complete without having to be something they are not. I encourage them to be the superhero they are and not the one they “think” they want to be.
