Why Women Stay in Abusive Relationships
Brooke Terrell, M.A., LCMHCA, NCC, BCC, TITC-CT
Domestic violence is a real problem not just in the United States, but around the world. Statistics are showing that in the US alone 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men are victims of domestic violence, and over 10,000,000 people are affected by this type of abuse each year. While men are also victims of relationship violence, this article addresses issues around why women stay in these destructive relationships when their lives and often the lives of their children are in danger, and what factors make it so hard for them to leave their abuser?
If you have ever known someone in an abusive relationship, it can be frustrating to see evidence of the abuse so clearly, and yet bruise after bruise, beating after beating, she stays. Most relationship violence flies under the radar, but a few have brought this problem right out into the open. Take Janay Palmer (finance of NFL linebacker Ray Rice) for example. Janay was knocked unconscious by Rice in an elevator after a night out in 2014. After the assault, while still bruised and battered she accused him of domestic violence, but would later recant her story and publicly come to his defense. Rice was investigated and ultimately suspended from two games. Weeks later Janay and Ray married, and the domestic violence incident seemed to blow over, until footage of the incident was found on a security camera and went viral. Viewers watched in horror as Ray beat Janay into unconsciousness, and then dragged her limp body out of the elevator. So we ask the question...Was this the first time that Rice had shown that kind of violence towards Janay? And would it be the last? Another question...Why would she stay with a man who would inflict this kind of pain on her, and not only stay, but publicly come to his defense and marry him?
The video of Janay being beaten is disturbing to watch. In the video you can clearly see a man of considerable size and strength hit a woman half his size with so much force that with only one or two punches to the face, she’s out cold and falls limp to the ground. I was very upset watching the video, but how did she feel when she saw the man who claimed to love her beat her with such force that she passed out? Hard to understand how she could rationalize or excuse that, but she did.
Another well known example of domestic violence is Nicole Brown Simpson, deceased wife of NFL star O.J Simpson. According to Nicole’s sister Tanya, Nicole hid evidence of domestic violence at the hands of O.J for years. In a diary that would later surface after Nicole’s death, Nicole writes about years of emotional, and physical abuse that she suffered at the hands of her husband. Tanya says that she was never aware of the abuse that Nicole suffered, and would only see the warning signs in hindsight. Again the question…why would Nicole stay in a relationship with a man who would incessantly beat her, call her “a fat pig”, “ugly”, and “stupid”, and more importantly, why would she stay with a man who would beat her so badly that she had to seek medical treatment for her injuries? And then even went so far as to cover for him by saying that the injuries were from a bicycle accident instead of at the hands of her own husband? While Nicole would later leave O.J, the sad fact is that when women finally find the courage to leave their abusers is when their lives are the most at risk.
So again, the purpose of this article is to address why women stay with men who frighten, hurt, objectify, control, and humiliate them? And could the answers to this question help us understand how to offer help to the victims of domestic violence?
I’m going to break down some fundamental reasons why victims of abuse stay with their abusers despite so many reasons to leave.
Low Self Esteem- many of these women have a low image of themselves, and when a “Knight in shining armor” comes along and adornes her with charisma, attention, affection, and gifts, she in essence falls into a spell. This can also be called Love Bombing, and abusers know how to move quickly to gain control over their victims
Fear- this is a powerful tactic that abusers use to maintain the subservience of their victims. The fear of personal bodily harm, fear of the harm to a child or loved one by the abuser, loss of freedoms or privileges, or the inability to care for themselves financially should they leave the abusive relationship, are many of the ways that abusers use fear to control.
Isolation- Early in the relationship the abuser begins to demand more and more of their victim’s time. Feeling special and adored by the abuser (feelings the victim is starving for), the process of isolating them from their support system begins. Without the outside support of loved ones, the abuser obtains and maintains control.
The Honeymoon Phase of Abuse- Abusive episodes are often followed by the abuser showing signs of remorse and promises to change. The victim is once again reminded of the early love bombing period of the relationship where they felt special and adored. The cycle continues.
They Believe They Deserve the Abuse or That it’s Their Fault- many women hear the abuser blame the abuse on his victim, and make statements like “why do you make me do this to you” .Believing that their actions are causing the abuser to get angry, they believe that if they can just learn to “behave” the abuse will cease.
This is by no mean an exhaustive list of reasons why women stay in abusive relationships, but gives us a glimpse into some of the factors that make women susceptible, and perpetuates the cycle. By understanding what goes on in these types of relationships, we can offer support and increase the likelihood of getting them out of the relationship safely.
Here are a few things you can do if you suspect a woman is a victim of domestic violence:
Listen Without Judgment
Offer emotional support
Give Them resources and numbers to call for help
Help Them form a safety plan
Believe Them
Validate the victim’s feelings and remind them it’s not their fault
Victims of domestic violence need your help and support to get out of a relationship where they are often controlled, manipulated, and beaten into submission. Your voice of reason, and patient, consistent encouragement and support can help give them the courage they need to get out.
For more information on Domestic Violence you can visit the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence at ncadv.org or call 1-800-799-SAFE
