Increasing Family Bonds Through Faith and Hope
Robyn L. Lowery, PhD, LCMHCA, CCTP
In light of Mental Health Awareness Month I reflect on the many clients that work to integrate spirituality into their counseling goals. To some this seems controversial; can the two co-exist? It can; and it does!
Because it’s important to consider all the values that clients hold dear, spirituality is one of many factors that are addressed when applying a holistic approach to counseling. Throughout the life-changing shared experience of the COVID-19 pandemic so many families have been tested. Some tests have tragically come through having to learn to live without a loved one, while others have had to adjust to being isolated from one another or quarantined together. The following is an adapted excerpt from an invited talk I gave in 2020 on faith and families amidst COVID-19.
Whatever group your family is currently in I submit that cultivating a life of faith at home leads to a richer life. First, we need to define faith, and so of course I think about Hebrews 11:1. Here we’re told that faith is hoping for something that we can not see. So as you think about your family, What do you HOPE for that has yet to be realized?
In my practice there are several common threads in families that emerge across all backgrounds and stations in life. Most notably, I find that there’s a desire to be more connected to family. If there was a silver lining to be achieved by the COVID19 pandemic it would be that families and couples placed down their electronic devices and began spending quality time with one another. Many have dusted off board games and realized that someone in the family is very competitive, or someone else is a natural strategist. This is also where conversations emerge explaining what’s been going on in the mind of your teenager, or what dream your spouse has envisioned for retirement. These moments are more precious than gold. Yet, eventually this season will pass and COVID 19 will no longer be a thorn in our side, restricting our movement and our access to other options. Likewise, it’s paramount that spending quality time with our family is prioritized. In my work with clients, I notice that a lot of effort is put into challenging the belief that their worth to the family is wrapped up in the size of their paycheck, or how many creature comforts are gathered for their children.
I’ll be the first to say that there’s nothing inherently wrong with these things. But I do believe there’s a lesson to be learned from the story of Jesus visiting with Mary and Martha. (Luke 10:39-40) Essentially, as Mary sat at Jesus’ feet as he was speaking (vital words of wisdom, no doubt), Martha was busy, running around handling preparations alone for their divine guest. When she voiced her discontent to Jesus, he stated in no uncertain terms that Mary’s choice was a good one and necessary. If we’re not careful we can spend our time and energy on things that are unnecessary and ultimately robbing our own selves of precious moments that connect us closer as a family. For this reason, I encourage individuals to put family and personal time on the calendar first, so that each month the bond is strengthened.
Another common concern that is shared by clients is that they want to feel supported by their families. They want their family to take an interest in who they are and what’s going on in their lives; and this is just as pertinent to the very young as it is the more “seasoned” family members. There will be times where we will be at different levels in our faith walk than other members of our family. What could be challenging for them, may no longer worry or unsettle us. Yet, this is the time where we should ask God to increase our patience and to guide our tongue and actions so that we can provide the exact support that will enrich our loved one.
Lastly, one of the most important ingredients for families is trust. It’s been said that the greatest sermons ever preached are the ones with the mouth closed. This suggests that while we may have good intentions to improve, unless we actually commit ourselves to action it will be difficult for our family to feel that they can depend on what we say. When members of the family are able to trust one another, they are able to obtain a sense of safety. This safety creates an optimal environment for individuals to be vulnerable. The ability to express human emotion such as sadness, hope, regret, disappointment, love, and several other feelings all require vulnerability. People who did not feel safe or were unable to depend on their family-of-origin often struggle with emotional intimacy and connection. Nevertheless, I’ve witnessed that with hard work and patience trust can eventually be rebuilt.
Our nation and families are sure to face more unique and unprecedented challenges than what we’ve even seen in the last year. With so much contention and divisiveness in society, it’s important to consider how we can refrain from allowing that to trickle down. Knowing that society is comprised of families, focusing on nurturing the connection, support, and trust can make the family you’ve HOPED for a reality that impacts our entire world.
