When Love Hurts: Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse
Brooke Terrell, M.A., LCMHCA, NCC, BCC, TITC-CT
It seemed like a fairy tale at first. He was charming and charismatic, texting and calling constantly to compliment you, or just to see how your day was going. He even told you he loved you within weeks of dating, which no one had ever done! You feel special, desired, beautiful, and life is exciting and passionate. Roses show up at work for all your coworkers to see, and he drops off dinner at work for you when he knows you have to work late. He’s more thoughtful and romantic than any other guy you’ve dated. So exciting! You’re in love!
The passion and intensity of the relationship continues for a while, until the first time you disappoint him. You didn’t mean to upset him, the surprise concert sounded amazing, but you had clients in town to entertain. Suddenly he turns on you, lashes out in anger, and accuses you of being selfish and manipulative. Blindsided and confused about what you did wrong, you empathize with him and apologize profusely. He calms down afterwards, says he’s sorry for getting so upset, he’s just so crazy about you. Still surprised by his extreme response, but flattered by his explanation, you accept his apology and things go back to normal for a little while. What you will later discover is that won’t be the last time that scenario takes place, it will happen often.
Over time you realize that the relationship is pretty one sided, and you're beginning to walk on eggshells. He chooses when and where to eat, what to do, and whom to do it with; there’s always something wrong with your suggestions, so you don’t bother anymore. Friends and family don’t like him, and question what you see in him, but you defend your reasoning, remembering the charming, charismatic, passionate guy he was when you first met.
The negative patterns continue, and by now the relationship isn’t fun anymore; you still have deep feelings for him, but there’s so much drama. Breaking up enters your mind after big blow ups, but alas, it’s hard work to break up with someone who’s so angry and emotional all the time, so you stay. Arguments between you are never resolved because he won’t listen, twists everything you say, and leaves you doubting yourself and questioning your sanity. Conversations are dominated with stories about what a great guy he is, but he never asks about you anymore, or shows any interest in things you like to talk about. In public he needs everyone to agree with him, and if you or anyone else challenges him, things get ugly. By now the romantic gestures have all but ceased, but that’s ok, you stopped hoping for them a while ago.
Deep introspection has offered you enough insight to know that your relationship isn’t normal, but you can’t quite put your finger on what it is. Your final conclusion is you're stuck in a relationship with a guy who needs constant attention and praise from you and others. He needs to be the smartest, most accomplished guy in the room, and who puts others down to build himself up. He wins every argument, never listens to your point of view, name calls and throws insults at you if you disagree with him, and leaves you feeling crazy after arguments. The most confusing thing is, the guy that seems almost obsessed with you, won’t actually commit to defining the relationship. You keep trying to pin him down with where the relationship is headed, but he dances around it. You miss the confident, self assured you, that vowed to never allow this kind of treatment, and you realize you don’t know who you are anymore.
Not really happy, you ponder why you can’t just leave, it’s like he has this crazy hold on you, and that’s when you realize a pattern has emerged. It starts when you assert a little independence. He calls you selfish, says he can’t be in a relationship with someone who only cares about themselves and then ghosts you. Confused and hurt you pursue him to sort things out, but no response. You beg and plead for him to just talk to you, but nothing. Devastated, you give up and start to move on, but as soon as you stop making contact, he calls and wants to meet up. During the conversation he says he’s sorry for ghosting you, he just needed some space to clear his head. “It wasn't you, it was me”, he assures you, reminding you of the charming, charismatic guy you first met, so once again you forgive him and let it go. Past behavior being an excellent predictor of future behavior, this cycle will continue over and over again until the relationship ends.
People casually throw around the term narcissist for anyone who talks about themself too much, or looks in the mirror a little too often, but for a person diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder the behavior is much more extreme, and the wounds are often deep for those in a relationship with them.
Before we take a look at the official criteria used by the DSM, it is important to note that a diagnosis needs to be made by a trained professional. The following list is for the purpose of gaining insight only, so please refrain from the temptation of diagnosing your partner. So what exactly are the warning signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
Have an exaggerated sense of self importance
Have a sense of entitlement and require constant praise and admiration from others
Exaggerate achievements and talents
Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others
Take advantage of others to get what they want
Behave in an arrogant or haughty manner
Become frustrated or angry when they don’t receive special treatment
Envious of others and believe others are envious of them
They move unusually fast in new relationships
Have difficulty managing emotions and behavior
Have significant interpersonal problems and are easily offended
React with rage or contempt, put downs and belittling to make themselves feel superior
The truth is, secretly the NPD has deep feelings of insecurity, shame, humiliation and vulnerability.
What do you do if you suspect your partner has NPD?
Take care of yourself- the better you feel, and the healthier you are, the better you will be able to manage your stress
Ask your partner if they are willing to see a professional about a diagnosis
Ask your partner to join you in couples counseling, individual counseling is important as well
Draw boundaries for yourself- learn how to say no to your partner even if it makes them upset. Identify your own wants and needs and find ways to get those needs met for yourself until your partner can. Make consequences for hurtful behavior, like disengaging in conversation as soon as they become abusive.
